Therapy this morning. I’m not going to get into the nitty gritty of our conversation, but I did discuss:
- My feelings over the changes/loss with r/DID. I talked to K. about struggling with being forward enough to make a solid decision on whether I’m going to stay or leave the remaining team.
- I talked about my anger response to the programming trigger in Carmen Sandiego.
- I talked about something I haven’t shared here yet — that I had to go back to the hospital for a 2nd mammogram and an ultrasound.
- And some friendly self-destructive/SI programming being thrown up across all my parts.
- I forgot to talk about a coworker of mine, also a HT survivor, who passed away after a 5-year battle with cancer.
I don’t really need to get into #4. K. gets very serious about combatting this programming (which makes sense). In response, my subsystems efforts to combat her addressing safety is fatiguing. It’s this internal pull back-and-forth. For now I’m safe which was the goal. My external support system is aware and checking in.
#5 not much I want to explore on that before I talk to my therapist. I think it’s pretty clear why it’s overwhelming for me.
Soooo #1 – #3, K. pointed out the following themes:
- Abuse of power – and how this theme connects to times in the past
- Loss of a support group – may also be kicking up loss of my therapy support group 2 years ago when COVID started
- Stomach issues – have been seriously derailing us in therapy, like to the point where I’ve been crying out in pain. K. pointed out this started weeks ago when the r/DID problems started
- Programming word trigger – how anger is an appropriate response
- Hospital triggers – the medical & mental health hospital environments still hold strong reactivity for some of our parts
Lots to process. Lots of loss. Safety first. It’s hard.
Daily Crisis Continuum checks begin now.
Discovering Serenity 