Welcome To The Reveal

My symptoms have been off the charts. Poor concentration? Understatement. Meg has been forward trying to do crisis control, in her own irritable way. As a result, our ability to tolerate frustration is minimal. Meg has been snapping at the husband for the last two days, which is so not cool.

I’m also preoccupied with r/DID. It’s no secret, if you look at the mod team list, there have been some sudden, major changes. These have been unexpected changes for me.

I don’t talk much about r/DID besides advertising educational information I’m proud of having worked very hard on. I’m not the only one that works very hard on that team. We all do. Many of us have put multiple years into it.

Because we are all survivors with DID, we’re more than just fellow volunteers checking in on a forum. We take our position seriously, constantly watching the sub to keep it as healthy and safe as possible (as much as one can do with a public space on the internet).

We became friends. A bunch of dissociative trauma survivors, cautious of trusting others, fearful of abandonment, became friends.

This isn’t the first time we’ve had major changes to the team. This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself grieving loss. It’s just the first time I’m publicly writing about it on my blog. The current situation brings up the current loss as well as previous losses. Also, experiencing grief kicks up the complicated underlying grief of our abuse.

I find myself wanting to withdraw and isolate. I struggle staying grounded. I’m emotionally numb to Meg lashing out at the husband.

So right now, as I’m writing this post, I am pulling out my Crisis Continuum for the first time in weeks. The moment of truth…

Ah, here we go. Frustrated? Check. Bewildered? Check. Isolated? Check. Difficulty sleeping? Check. I’m at level 3. On this level, my direction for coping is to call K. (our therapist). Oops. >.< Probably should have done that 2 days ago.

Reaching to outsiders for help is not one of our strong suits.

When I created my Crisis Continuum, I was at Sheppard Pratt. I was being hit constantly, all day long, with massive CPTSD/DID symptoms. Memories were flooding my consciousness. With the help of the team, I was able to safely use that conscious connection. A lot of the emotions and sensations on my continuum are from direct memories of abuse.

It turned out the memory flooding was intentional. By overwhelming the systems, suicidal/self-destructive programming was set off. The team at SP were on the lookout for this, knowing my history. The memories that kept coming and coming provided me so much information for my continuum. Now I use it to clearly identify current trauma reactivity, as well as how threatening they may be to our system’s stability.

Being at level 3 means I’m at a juncture where I can turn it around. I can exert some control over enacting our coping skills. For instance, it’s much easier to implement grounding or self-soothing when I’m struggling with emotional stress responses. When I’m in a spontaneous trance? Not so much!

Now is the time to ask for help. Even though the desire to withdraw is very strong. I’m going to feel embarrassed (another triggering emotion on Level 3). So at first it’s going to feel like it’s making things worse. But one thing is for certain: avoidance is going to lead me to dissociation. Dissociation is going to take me closer to the unconscious, closer to the very things I am dissociating to avoid. 

…Aaand I’m back. I just left K. a voicemail. I said I was calling because I was a 3 on my Crisis Continuum (she knows that means I will call her). I verified I was safe. I said the event preceding my current elevation on the Crisis Continuum is too long to explain on the phone. I can wait until I see her on Saturday. “But I probably should have checked my Crisis Continuum 2 days ago.” I told her I’ve been having difficulty sleeping during this as well. I’m sure she will call me in the morning to check-in. She’ll probably dispense some incredible wisdom. I’ll be in shock how Mina never thought about it before.

Now I’m off to do some self-soothing and take a PRN. I really gotta sleep tonight. I’m starting to get dizzy just sitting up. Ok, we can do this!

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