Since the last time I was here?
I mean, posting on this blog. Not a dissociation last-time-I-was-here thing.
In the past year, not much has changed in our life. I’m still working. Things are stable in therapy. Home life is great. And my dog brings so much happiness to our home.
I decided my goal for this year in therapy was to try and start backing down from 1x weekly sessions to 1x every other week. This is a big, big deal for me. It wasn’t that long ago that we had that horrible nightmare of a-year-without-a-therapist until K. opened her private practice. That put an abrupt stop to processing trauma memories and eventually led to a multiple-system decline that resulted in me going inpatient.
And, to be honest, COVID has also interfered with our progress. Some of my programmed fragmented parts could not comprehend how to use a phone. So therapy was almost pointless until we could return in-person. Then, we had therapy outside for a while which was noisy as hell (traffic) until restrictions lifted such that we could return in the office.
Yet we seem to have reached a point where, generally speaking, we have come to terms with what we remember. Intrusive CPTSD and dissociation symptoms are rare. Present-day stressors (and even unfortunate traumas) have been handled in a cooperative, integrated way.
So, after 16 years of therapy, we may be coming to an end! You know, it feels right. Trauma isn’t the focus of our daily lives anymore. We are generally cooperative and have good internal communication. The one thing that is intensely bothering me is ‘the end.’
I know it’s kind of strange. I’m happy we are stable enough to be considering ending therapy, yet the concept of ending therapy is very emotional. K. and I were talking about it, and I started sobbing. I said I’m not sure how I would be able to cope without her in my life – because she is the only witness to my trauma. “I’ll be alone again.” I cried, “Nobody else knows what I’ve been through but you.”
We don’t have a solid end date. We’re just talking about it at this point. So I don’t feel like I’m running out of time. It’s going to be quite a bit of processing, though, with many of my normal fronter parts. Especially Meg, and younger parts, who have developed trusting relationships with her.
Discovering Serenity 
So good to hear form you again! Thank you for sharing.
I, too, went down to every two weeks while I considered ending. Although RA, etc. is still a large focus of my life, mostly because of the work I do online, it is not the center of my life the way it used to be. I delight in the company of oher survivors, but I do not feel like a martian or crazy when I am with “regular” people.
However, I am dealing with chronic illness and aging. My therapist knows a lot about these things, and understands how they weave together with dissociation and RA issues. So I decided to continue.
I don’t have to be in dire strates to benefit from therapy. I don’t feel guilty for doing domething thatis good for me, but not a screaming emergeny.
Hi, Jean! Thank you for your perspective. I definitely relate to what you have said. And thank you for saying that you don’t feel guilty for doing something good for you. I need a reminder of that from time to time.
-Nel