Category Archives: Uncategorized

Update of sorts

We are not in a good space at the moment. We started working on some significant trauma memories. It feels like these are the big ones. If I can make sense of these and make peace; help my parts have a voice, perhaps my healing journey will have vastly concluded.

In response, RA programming has kicked in like clockwork. Oh, that word. It all feels very much out of our control.

Our body literally kicks itself into a fever with chills, exhaustion, and pain. Or tries to cause us to fall down unconscious. It has succeeded on both accounts directly after meeting with K. to discuss these memories.

Please keep all of us in your hearts or thoughts. We need support right now, and it’s clear a dangerous system shift is happening.

Stay safe everyone. We love you all.


Took a Risk

I took a risk tonight, and I shared something really personal with someone I trust.  To be fair, it was amidst a conversation where we were talking about other things that were emotionally charged for him.  So, I don’t think he really heard me.

On one hand, one of my parts is okay that he didn’t hear me, because she understands he was not in a good headspace to receive the information.  We know how that feels like–it happens to us every single Monday in therapy with K.  She gives us feedback on something and I’m like, “What the heck are you talking about?” I get overwhelmed with traumatic material and lose content of the conversation.

On the other hand, one of my parts is devastated emotionally.  We’ve come a long way to be in a space in life where we are choosing healthy, safe relationships and investing in them out of love, to care and grow, and be committed to this relationship for a lifetime.  To tell someone of that significance the personal trauma trigger and share why–I mean, it was the wrong time, sure.  It just happened, in the natural flow of the conversation.  So, for this person to be in their own overwhelmed state and unable to hear what this child part shared was just…devastating.

Now she feels unhappy, to say the least.  She’s struggling with low self-esteem and self-hatred, feelings of guilt, anxiety, and its overwhelming our brain power to cope.  I can’t even grasp on to a symptom management skill long enough to employ it.

Uuuuughh….struggling really hard to vent the feelings in a safe way, that’s why we’re writing them out.  I could use as many positive thoughts as you can throw my way right now.


After Group Fun Times

End of group (check in before we end):

Me: “I think I did pretty good tonight. I was grounded. I was able to hear everyone’s feedback and give my own input. If I’m being honest though,” I take in a deep breath because I’m afraid of what is going to happen next, “I became internally aware we must be ending group, and I started having a lot of self-harm urges.”

K. gave us props for being honest. She moved on to the rest of the group members. She checked in on everyone’s safety plans for the night, then she came to me last. “Nel, you’re staying for a second right? And when I say second, I don’t mean it literally.”

Meg sighs. “Sure. But we’re gonna try to get it as close to literal as we can.”

It was an extra 25 minutes. Could have been worse.

It was weird, though. She asked trickery questions to discover just how much passive influence/vying for control was going on. Then, she pulled out some really shocking grounding.

Grounding example: She blows out a candle that has been burning all group. She asks me if I know what’s different about the candle? Looks like a regular off-white candle. Barely any scent. No, I have no idea what’s different.

“It’s not wax.” She points at the melted liquid around the wick. “It’s hand lotion.”

I must have had the biggest WTF look on my face.

I touched it. She was right.