Oh. OH. Uh oh…

Hey, friends. I hope you are all having a great summer. I truly wish you all experience some time for yourselves. I’m sure we can all agree that we deserve time to focus on our well-being and plain relaxation.

I also want to apologize for being absent. I have been keenly aware that I have not been updating my blog. I’ve also been taking a break from modding /r/DID. Between those both, I have been thinking a lot about my online support.

My current absence has been related to physical health issues. There have been so many issues, I don’t know how I could even begin to explain it all. In a nutshell…

  • Prediabetes now including nerve damage
  • Gastrointestinal issues (really don’t feel like grossing you all out, so I’ll leave it at that)
  • Dehydration
  • Insomnia
  • Degenerative Disc Disease flair up and nerve issues

It started with bullet point #1. So I thought the wise thing was to really put all my energy into eating better and getting more physical activity in. Then the rest happened like a domino effect. Dehydration was bad enough at one point, I was borderline hospital ugh.

I was convinced for about 2 months that this was all entirely physical. Other than physics symptoms sometimes being triggering to past experiences, I was convinced there was no relation to the trauma and dissociation at all. I’ll come back to this…

Our therapy sessions have continued being largely telephonic. This is because our therapist, K., is following guidance issued by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). As is the case with “american associations” whether psychiatric or otherwise–they tend to be politically motivated. APA, for example, is following the direction of President Biden’s administration. Therefore, at this time, face-to-face therapy sessions are discouraged. In-person sessions are only acceptable if they are conducted outdoors. Indoor therapy sessions which are face-to-face are only acceptable if the patient is in a suicidal/homicidal crisis.

Thankfully, we have not been in such a crisis. However, our therapy seems to be at a crawl, at best. Telephonic sessions are only effective to keep us baseline safe. We have had in-person sessions, but we can’t just sit outside because of confidentiality. We sit in a screened in porch on a busy Philadelphia street. All times of the day or night, traffic loudly crashes by, making face-to-face therapy about as helpful as telephone therapy.

Yet K. presses on and still asks us the big, difficult, triggering trauma questions. Though it may not bother me (Nel), that doesn’t mean others aren’t listening.

In particular, K. has been asking specific questions about very early life when the ritual abuse was beginning and at its worse. For those who may not remember, I was yanked out of the RA group around 11 or 12 years old (I think? I’m not exactly sure on the age), but as a result, a lot of my internal structures are incomplete or feel like they will topple like a poorly built house of cards. Programming seems very much based in overwhelming emotions and childlike concepts.

Last week, we had a very clear attempt at sabotage. A part (not sure who), purposely made us sick (one of the basic/childlike programming responses I’m referencing) while at another time last week, a part (a different one maybe?) purposely induced an injury.

As I’ve been recovering, I’ve had some time to think. Suddenly, it clicked.

The mysterious gastrointestinal issues? Insomnia? Dehydration?

Yep. All sabotage type programming. All coinciding with K. zeroing in on this specific time of our life.

Okay. I’ve made the connection. Now what?

I don’t remember doing the things that harmed myself. I have found evidence after the fact in some cases. In other cases, parts have told me something happened.

Severe dissociation? Check.

Amnesia? Check.

Self-harm? Check.

Unable to maintain safety? Uhhhh…that’s a check.

1 Comment

  1. We’ve been thinking of y’all and hoping y’all are OK.

    Even without programming, the slew of health issues yous are facing is more than enough to really rock solid foundations. We wish to validate that as well as the immensely difficult issues y’all are facing due to the programming.

    And then to not have a private, safe,familiar location for in person therapy… when y’all so clearly need… even without K diving into such a difficult period… no wonder y’all are struggling. We wish to validate that.

    Our therapist and others kind of pushed our government to allow indoor therapy for self harm or “at risk” clients. That vague broader term has allowed them to use clinical judgment. We wish this was possible in your country.

    Sending care, and we hope the friends you have in this WordPress community leave comments which helpful. ❤

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