Accepting I May Never Remember

I’ve been on a break from therapy now for about 2 weeks. The break is indefinite because doing therapy over the telephone is too triggering. I’ve had a lot of time to think about how even before the Coronavirus, there was a lot of resistance from parts to doing memory work.

Meanwhile, I’m frustrated out of my mind because of the resistance. Even our therapist, K., has commented that she feels bad we are paying so much money to see her and not making any progress towards our therapy goals.

I’m now considering the possibility that I need to accept I may never remember the ritual abuse. My job is managing the adult world, which is stressful enough, especially with the added stress of having been locked down in our house for the last 90 days.

I know all about CPTSD and Dissociative Disorder symptoms and symptom management thanks to Sheppard Pratt. Yet, I don’t typically experience symptoms, other than sometimes being aware of a difficulty with focus or concentration thanks to dissociative fog.

Perhaps it’s best I don’t feel the emotions of my other parts, or know the secrets they keep. Parts have told K. quite clearly on several occasions that I’m “not supposed to know” and that it would be “dangerous” if I did. Maybe I should trust their opinions.

Frankly, I don’t know if this is the right way to look at this. I wish there was some kind of workbook or guided journal to nicely lay out the healing path one step at a time.

Oh, also, how about I opened Alison Miller’s book today looking for information on system mapping, and found photos of mind control experiments from my hometown. I have zero emotions about this. Based on my experience in therapy, I know the likelihood is high that internally at least one subsystem is vying for control.

3 Comments

  1. We all would like a for sure route of healing workbook. Healing is messy! Be gentle on yourself. Heart meditation & love for all parts without judgement or expectation will ease the doubt

  2. Hi,
    My inners have said the same thing, at certain times and about certain things. However as I have healed, gained support, and expanded my own coping and healing skills things have changed. They are judging me by who I was a very long time ago and their opinions might not be accurate. I hope that you and your therapist can assess what is right for you.

    Good and healing thoughts to yous.
    Kate

  3. Phone therapy is great for me right now, based on where I am now and what I am working on. I totally get how this would be difficult or impossible. Thinking of you all.
    Kate

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s