I had therapy yesterday with our therapist, K. We spent the session reviewing some therapy homework. At the end of the session, I told her there was something I needed to say.
K. waited, quietly. Sometimes she takes the approach of saying nothing, to allow my to get internal communication or put my words together.
I continued, “It’s to do with being in the shower. Nearly every time I’m in the shower, I hear things people said to me. I never have a picture memory, it’s just these things that were said.”
K. waited. I didn’t say anything. “Do you need to say them outloud?”
“I don’t want to say them outloud. I don’t want to hear it, even though I hear it in my head all the time.” My eyesight diverted to the floor as the shame came on.
“Could you write them down?” K. asked.
I thought for a moment. “Yeah, maybe. I mean, it might work.” I reach over for my journal.
K. stopped me. “Would you rather write them on a sticky? Instead of having them in your notebook, where it might be difficult to tear it out, if someone doesn’t want the words in there?”
I feel a big YES! from inside. I nod.
K. hands me a stack of blue sticky notes.
I’m including the following words I wrote for support. However, there is no expectation you read them. Often, I click on trigger warnings out of curiosity. I want you to know that the words below are NOT safe. I do NOT expect you to read them. In fact, they are not necessary to “get” the rest of this post.
Trigger Warning: Graphic words behind this break!
- “You like that, don’t you?”
- “She likes that.”
- “I’m going to make you —.
- “You’re going to —, NOW.”
I handed the sticky to her. “I want to leave these here.” I don’t remember if she read them or not. But as I told her I wanted to leave them, we simultaneously spoke internally. Parts understood that the memory/words would be left behind in her office. Everything tough that comes along with it would stay there, safe, until next week.
It was a success in Containment! I did some grounding skills and was able to leave/drive safely home. Today, I have had zero “fallout” from the session, which is a-freakin-mazing.
It’s great to be reminded that I can use these symptom management skills, and–oh yeah–they DO work!